There are areas of my life that I wish I could keep hidden forever. A little impossible to do when you have friends and family that have no problem being blunt and calling your mess for what it is. My mess? The need for consistent companionship.
The thought of living alone terrifies me. This will be the first time in my 25+ years of life that I will experience what it’s like to be completely alone. Not just for a few short days, but officially be completely out of the control of my parents or a significant other. To think that I will be able to get up and go whenever I want is so exciting, but to come home to any empty place? Not so appealing.
My best friend confronted me about needing to start coping with that fear, so that the destructive cycle I’ve been on doesn’t repeat itself. That sent a wave of anxiety and panic over me that I never expected. I was made very aware of how tiny I am, and the questions all started flowing. “Will I be able to protect my daughter? Will I be able to protect myself? What if I can’t keep my thoughts quiet long enough?” … and on and on.
A friend once asked me, “Why go to therapy?! You’re just paying for companionship. They don’t really care. They only care to get paid.” He was right, but I still go faithfully every week. It’s a much safer alternative to confiding in someone close and having that trust betrayed. I like to believe that she cares, but who knows. I’m at peace either way, because I don’t have everything bottled up, and I am continually learning different ways to cope with anxiety and depression. From panic attacks daily for months, I am down to maybe once a month. Anyone that’s ever experienced a panic attack will understand that’s some major improvement considering all of the changes I’ve gone through recently. Also, dealing with my own darkness and shortcomings helps me better guide my students in dealing with their own.
I don’t know what the next few weeks in this house holds for me, but I know plenty is going to be some serious soul searching and mentally preparing myself for the sake of my daughter. I am guilty of hating being called out on areas I struggle with, but better is an honest word than to be swallowed up by lies.
Until next time,